Off to school...

Why do we not talk about how emotional it is to send your child off to their first day of Kindergarten? 

Just like other 'quiet topics' surrounding children {miscarriages, infertility, postpartum depression, etc.}, our culture doesn't do a very good job preparing parents--especially mothers--for what it's REALLY like to drop your child off (or send them on the bus) for their first day at school.  

  

Those of you who've already sent your child off to school probably know exactly what I'm talking about.  For those of you who haven't experienced this yet, because your children aren't old enough--or you don't have children (yet)--or for those of you who don't or won't have children, but are still reading just for fun, let me try to explain it...

As soon as you become a parent, your entire life is devoted to someone else.  You eat, sleep, and breathe parenting philosophies, caretaking endeavors, nutrition, hygiene, and life skills of another human being.  It's extremely easy to forget who you are--your individual self--because of the amount of attention and care that is required by this other being.  And while all of this time and effort that is given to this little human that you're raising is more than worth it--it's still mentally and physically depleting.  

After 5 continuous YEARS of living your life almost entirely for someone else, you begin to find yourself yearning for that 'me time' that comes with shipping your child off to school.  You think about the abundance of money that comes when daycare bills end.  You daydream about eating lunch sitting down, while simultaneously having an uninterrupted adult conversation....and twirling through a field of daisies with the wind gently blowing your hair...

Ok, maybe not the daisy part.

But you get what I'm saying: the start of school seems to be the light at the end of the toddler-stage-of-parenting tunnel.

And here is what actually happens when you let go of that tiny little hand and reassure them that they'll have a great first day of school:

You suddenly have an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

You think "I should've played more games with her!"

and, "Oh, she really is so sweet and polite!"

and, "A full day of school is really long!"

and, "I wish she could stay home just one more day!"

When just the day before, you were thinking "school can't come soon enough!" as you were refereeing a fight between siblings, or answering the 500th "why?" question of the day...

And because of this extreme pendullum swing of emotions, you feel the tears well up in your eyes--and you're grateful that it's a sunny August morning and you're wearing sunglasses.  

You wonder what is wrong with you, and why you feel so sad about this milestone that's been written on the calendar for weeks--for which you had a mental countdown ticker running.  And you try to hold the tears back, to be 'strong' for your child.  You don't want her to see you upset, because you fear that then she'll be upset--which will make you burst into tears right then and there.

Well, I'm here to tell you: there is nothing wrong with you.  

Every mother feels this way.  Even to some degree.  Sure, there may be mothers who don't feel it as strongly as others--but I'm pretty sure we're all in the same boat.

If you're a mother (sorry fathers--I don't think it's as intense for you!), and you have a kindergartener this year--I see you.  

I see you and I don't judge you.  

If you need to run to the car and unload all of those feelings--please do.  

Cry for the toddler that graduated to kindergarten today.  

Cry for the moments that weren't the most pleasant for you or your child.  

Cry for the last 5 years that you were a mother before your individual self.  

Cry for all of the mothers everywhere who share this pain silently.

And then go get yourself the biggest, best cup of coffee you've ever had, and pat yourself on the back for a job well-done on raising an awesome human being that just entered the school system.

If you're not a mother {of a kindergartener} but have a friend who is--give her a hug.  Or take her that awesome cup of coffee and have an uninterrupted adult conversation with her.  

It'll make her day more than you'll ever know.

To all the mothers out there: keep up the good work.

Can you tell we sent our youngest off to school this week?